Bollywood Movies : Quantity, Not Quality

I was with a couple of friends in college the other day and during our conversation, one thing led to the other and somehow, we started talking about Hindi movies. Now, when you mention "Hindi movies", you're sure the responds are gonna be hot, HOT, HOT!
To tell you the truth, I'm a devout fan of Bollywood movies and I sincerely, with all the pieces of my grotesquely broken heart, admire them. Just think about it, every one of the main characters in those movies is a potential Super "ass-kicking" Hero.
For starters, they can invade a small country anytime, anywhere. All they need is a visitor's visa for the main character, then he goes into the country, find some hot chic or soul mate and start singing. Yes, that's all he needs to do and *boom*, out comes a whole army of similarly dressed, singing, dancing and rolling man. One touch *snap* and all of them change attire, one swing *zap* and all of them, very mysterious and miraculously, get transported to some foreign land, no air fees necessary my dear. Free of charge-lah of course! What you think man, Bollywood you know? Mai siao siao.
To put it like Farhan said, "From India then suddenly in Paris, then Holland then back to India."
But that's not all! Like, "Hello~?". I haven't even started on their supreme powers yet.
If you talk about Bollywood movies there's no way you can leave out the part where suddenly everybody, male female young and old, EVERYBODY knows how to dance the exact 100% same dance steps and sing the same tune and how come all of them will sooooooo obediently line up behind the star. Isn't it strange? Because as I know it, I thought everybody wants their 15 minutes of fame, so why aren't those dancing jolly old men and women trying to overtake the stars when it comes to those scenes?
And why oh why are all the female dancers always dressed in saries (meant to spell the traditional Indian clothe for women) or clothing of the same pattern yet of different (and might I add, very very contrasting) colours.
Are we forgetting something very very important here? Ah~ YES! Eureka! We forgot the part where the female stars love rolling down hills, flirting with guys and coming super duper god damn close to making a move on the guy yet will suddenly spin away and start running around some pillar like a dog chasing its tail. Plus what's fun about running around pillars? Better yet, why are there so many pillars in India?! Oh, wait. Some times they run around tress too. Come to think of it, these people have freaking good stamina man. I mean, they are singing in an ultra-high pitch voices, rolling down hills, doing uber cool dance moves, warping themselves from one end of the world to the other AND running around cylinder objects! If their acting careers ever come to an end, fear not my friends. I'm sure the Olympic coach for marathons or long distant running events will want to hire them with arms wide open.
Next up : kissing.
Call it Asian modesty, or conservatives, or whatever mid-80's mentality these people can't get out of but the stars never ever kiss...on the lips. Yeah, they'll kiss anywhere and everywhere EXCEPT where it is meant to be kissed!!!
Excuse me, but when you're in a relationship, do you kiss your partner on the lips first or just run about some majestic looking building and start necking them? What's all that about! I seriously don't get it. So, kissing on lips is a big NO-NO, but kissing other plaecs that might sexually arouse someone is... OK?
Plus these people wear the most revealing clothes yet they still complain about Westerners baring too much! I beg your pardon please but, aren't these Bollywood people all in it for sari tops that go all the way up to north pole and sari skirts that barely even touch Australia? You might as well be running around in a bikini.
As we know it, ALL Bollywood movies must involve some conflict and fight scenes of any kind. And these scenes, my patient readers, are the places that would put any Hollywood sound-effect controller or what not to shame.
Example 1: Let's say Man A tells Man B some grave news or new founding to some criminal investigation taht accuses Man B's kin / close friend / partner as the bad guy. Suddenly the camera will spin and zoom in so close to Man B's face that you can count the facial hair on his face and a loud *dush dush dush* will come out just as the camera reaches his face. "Better" movies will have that same scene repeat 3 times. It's like 1st time, camera turns from Man A to Man B with magnification x10, first *dush* appears. 2nd time, camera turns (again) from Man A to Man B with magnification x40, second *dush* is heard. 3rd time, camera (and yet again) turns from Man A to Man B with magnification x100, third *dush* is heard and camera stays there as it soaks in Man B's face suddenly turning very very grave.
Example 2 : Man 1 and Man 2 in a brawl. Man 1 is good guy, Man 2 is bad guy. Man 2 beats the crap put of Man 1. Man 2 gives Man 1 a flying kick. As the kick lands on Man 1's chest, a loud "ARG!!!" is heard, camera rotates to a different angle, Man 1 flies away and knocks into some barrel or table or boxes that just so happen to cushion his fall, resulting in a lot of *bing bang boom* being made. Man 1 coughs out blood and stands up with a small trail of blood dripping from the lower left corner of his lips. In most cases Man 1's shirt will be torn and Man 2 would have taken his shirt off from the start to show some muscle.
The other thing I've noticed about anyone in Man 1 situation is they suffer from an Ultraman-complex, which I pressume to be some sort of psychological problem as a result of stupid script-writers. Have anyone of you ever watched Ultraman as a kid and wondered, "If Ultraman can makes some kick-ass move (the 2 arms making a cross and laser beam being fired move) after his own ass gets kicked to Mars which instanly kills the enemy, why didn't he do it before his red plastic thingy on his rubber suit starts blinking?" Let's face it doing a move when you're still in full health will definitely be stronger than when you're half-dead right? Plus Ultraman could have saved Tokyo city some massive building destruction as a result of him falling flat on them if he had finished off the bad guy from the start!
In Bollywood movies, why do Man 1s have to wait till they are in a near death and seemingly lost situation then only start kicking ass. It like, first they will be beaten to pulp and cough up enough blood to drown New Delhi and they'll be crawling on the floor, then suddenly *kazaam!* and he stands up, starts to kick ass and wins. But of course after displaying his "Hero Power" and winning the fight, he has to start coughing again, hold his abdomen and either fall to the ground or the female star will come running to him and support his weak body. Cliche, aint it?
That being said, I'm still an ardent fan of Bollywood super beauty Aishwarya Rai (below) and will continue supporting Bollywood movie until one day when I grow to old and could no longer laugh till my belly aches. Who wants "Quality" that takes a few years to produce when you can get an infinite amout of "Quantity" in mere weeks. Beauty over substance, dudes and dudettes.
Aishwarya Rai! *Muakz*