The Games That Play Us

What do you do when someone close to you dies? I guess we have to move on. What do you do when someone beside you cries? A question we will forever ponder upon.

Regarding the second question, I really want an answer to it. I have no idea what you do when someone around you is sad. Normally I would say *toot* it and just leave but some times leaving seems to be harder than standing by. How can you ever comfort someone?
I think even geniuses like Albert Einstein or Benjamin Franklin would be at a loss when asked this question, and I truly applaud those who can take charge when someone is under the weather and put a sun back on their horizon. This is one skill which is so far from my abilities that I can't even see it (don't talk about possessing it). The only words that come to mind under such horrendous circumstances are:
*By the way, of course my responses vary by the situation! You think I'm some kinda machine that only gives out mono-worded answers!?

Situation 1 : Break ups.
"There are plenty more fishes in the sea!"
"Here's a great chance for you to broaden your horizon!"
"He / She treated you like shit, you deserve better than that lah!"
"Err... *3 pats on the shoulder*.... errr....*turns and (literally) run away*"

Situation 2 : Close friend leaving.
"Aiyer~ Not like you 2 married or something, so gay for what?"
"Not like he / she going to die lah. If really that close then don't lose contact then ma can meet up all the time loh."
"There are plenty more fishes in the sea!"
"Err... *3 pats on the shoulder*.... errr....*turns and (literally) run away*"
"Erm, my shoulder very nice. Got muscle one ar!"

Situation 3 : Sibling going somewhere for a long time.
"Cheh~ Sure got family reunion mia you kacau hami? Want me slap you?"
"Erm, my shoulder very nice. Got muscle one ar!"

Situation 4 : Pet dies / Lost something precious.
"Go buy new one lah!"
"Err... *3 pats on the shoulder*.... errr....*turns and (literally) run away*"

Situation 5 : Failed something.
"*if I passed it* Stupiak! Lidat pun cannot do?"
"Go jump off a building lah you."
"Um.... Try again next time lah. No worries."
"Erm, my shoulder very nice. Got muscle one ar!"

Situation 5 : Family member / close friend pass away.
"Err... *3 pats on the shoulder*.... errr....*turns and (literally) run away*"
Favourite move : Avoid that person for as long as possible, be desperate enough to hide in a toilet cubicle for a whole hour if the need arises. If all else fails, go look him / her straight in the eyes, say "Is there anything I can do?", wait 5 seconds for a reply, run away without shame the very moment the clock ticks the 6th second.

Situation 6 : Attention seeking / Just wants to whine or complain.
"*give that person a cold stare* You're annoying me."
"Kisi, or I'll slap you."
"*stare at the person mockingly* So small matter you so noisy for what? Things like this happens all the time and I couldn't care less even if it happened on me so I sure as hell don;t give a *toot* that it happened on you."
"*looks at that person with an unfazed look*........*turn back to whatever I doing beforehand and wipe that person off my mind*"

Notice how some techniques can be recycled for most situations like the "pat 3 times" technique? I think I'm a very gifted person for actually inventing that move. But of course the run away part needs some skill because if you run to slow you might let your guard down and accidentally glance behind which would totally magnify the embarrassment.
So, anyone needing advice on how to console people just feel free to drop me a comment and I'll get to it ASAP, free of charge. My compassion knows no bounderies!!