Memory

It's funny how I totally forgot I had this blog. It took me so long to remember the title of it.
In a way, I was reintroduced to my own blog when I decided to comment on my friend's? Haha. Life and its mysterious ways.

Reading about what I wrote in previous posts, I figured it's not that bad an idea to keep a blog after all. With such a horrible thing called "memory", I guess black and white are the way to go.


If anybody happens to be reading this. Just know that I'm just writing as a reminder to myself of what's going on here and now. Guess some feelings are too precious to let slip away. So if it makes you think why the hell am I even writing something as insignificant as this, then well... It was significant for me :)

Anyways, it's been a year since I've been in JB. My ego-pride tells me I shall hate this city with the very last osteocyte in my bones but honestly, it ain't that horrible after all. Our perception of our environment is heavily influenced by our emotions. And, at least for me, my emotions have been heavily influenced by friends this year. Yes, it's a strange word, isn't it. Friend. I guess one day, I'm gonna have to dictionary up what it actually means. But this year, I seem to have found it in quite a few faces. And I'm the better off for it.

I never really realised how stuck I was prior to this. In my own world. In my own thoughts. My judgmental ways. My life was like a production line, I sit and keep moving forward while 'parts' are added to me. But I'm never really shown what other things I could have been. At least until this year. Exposure is always good. It builds immunity. Reading my previous posts, and also a few other from other blogs, I couldn't help but think I've come a long way.

And in more sense than one. I do feel that I have somehow lost my spark. A glitter, perhaps. My sense of humour worn thin. The mindset I used to hold from way back when seems to have been more lively, gung-ho. Yes it was naive to think I'm invincible, but I do feel that's a better way to live than bearing the thoughts "what might have been". A lack of spontaneity allows fungus to grow on my unchallenged mind. Having observed this, I am currently attempting to salvage what's left. Some times, all the thinking and planning we make for our futures, filled with white pickets fences and insurance plans. What do all that come down to? Life hands you a lemon when you planned for a melon and that's it. There goes everything down the drain. So while it is advisable, and admirable, to have plans, I've come to understand that the inability to let go of it when our path changes just shows a lack of adaptability. Set a goal, start moving towards it and take everything on the way with a sense of poise. And always have a knife ready to cut up some lemons on a hot sunny day.

When I say let go, I don't just mean letting go of the plan. I just mean... Let go. Really. Move on. It's not that scary after all. Especially when you have friends like mine. :)

And this post is dedicated to the people who have played a major hand in my development this year, namely Patrik Ho. Who would have known a kid with half a pea brain could have brought about so much change eh? And of course there are the girls that I've been able to get to know better too, Aliya, Cath, Yvonne, Becca. Then there're the gym buddies, Dan and Johann.

I know you'll never get to read this, but it doesn't matter. I just want to remind the future me that at this moment, I'm filled with gratitude to walk in your company.

Lub-dub

Sometimes, I wonder if my heart is too big for my body to contain.
When I'm lying in the still of the night.
When darkness and silence is all that I am.

I can feel my chest moving.
With every contraction of my heart, it moves.
And my whole body moves along to it.

I hear it in my ears.
I feel it in my finger tips.

My arms and neck pulsates to it.
My abdomen dances with it.
And my whole body moves, a slave under it.

The sound of my own heartbeat overcomes this silence.
And I am reminded that in this darkness,
I am alone.
But within myself, this heart beats.
And it gives me the strength to stand.