Currently Reading

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

Haven't gotten far and long in it, but I'm loving it already. Excellent writing. Although I don't know if there's something from with the ebook copy I got, there are small (very small) portions of it in a foreign language. I assume it to be Russian. But it's not Russian alphabets. Any ideas?

Finished reading:
1) The Grand Design by Stephen Hawking
Excellent book for those who are questioning and will continue questioning. This is by no means a book to answer all your questions. But it will most definitely help you form better questions.

2) Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Another great book. I've watch the movie and the parody (Bride and Prejudice) a million times and absolutely love them. Even after being able to memorise both movies, this book still provided really good entertainment. Will definitely recommend it.

3) The Animal Farm by George Orwell
A little late in reading it, I remember my father bought us this book when we were just children. But finally, special thanks to my big brother, I've gotten my hands on it and my brain around it. It's surprising how well he wrote of life. It really is quite amazing. I particularly liked how the crow helped form the idea of a heaven which eventually caught on because of the hardship they were facing in this life. A book depicting communism, power games and religion, in my opinion.

4) See Night Run by D.W. St.John
I have no idea this book existed until I read it, and I don't regret it at all. I downloaded it just because it was free. I guess some times good things are do come easy. The writing style isn't one I enjoy much, too descriptive. It reminded me of the way I talk. But the story is excellent and well based. A controversial plot about the drug war.

5) Peter the Rabbit by Beatrix Potter
Shut up, I know this is a children's book. But I have never read it before, and I see no problem with reading it now. My only regret? I have no children of my own to read it to.

Currently Reading

One Time magazine after another. Catching up on lost time, if that is ever possible.
A magazine that is obviously pro-democrats and its news content insanely skewed to be American. Even the Asian issue that writes about South Korea is catered for the American perspective. Can we have a more international news magazine please?



Two times reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close later, I am still in love. The book is currently in Cheryl Saw's possession. I hope she doesn't spoil it -.-

Charlotte Gainsbourg

Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots, because it's OK to be a boy.
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading, because you think that being a girl is degrading.

Friends

Oh god, I miss this.

Heavy boots

How do you ever tell someone you love that you love them?

Relationships are so fragile.
Feelings are so fragile.
People are so fragile.

How do you say goodbye?
We never know when the last time is the last time. At least never at times when we need to. We don't realise that we should never let her leave, knowing the last words she heard from your lips were filled with anger. We don't realise the last time we say goodbye, would be the last goodbye. To never meet again. In the hearts of our hearts, a foolish voice tells us we are the keeper of time, and we will have other nights.
Foolish.

Why do we hurt each other?
How could you. When others are searching high and low for love, some living their very last breath without having known it. How could you forsake that beauty for such evil that does not matter. We have no need for regrets, we have no need for sad tears. What we have today, will not always be today. Every second, something is changing. This universe is ever expanding. Every second, something is dying. A laughter, a baby, a memory, a moment. If we took all the hurt in this world, it would drown the Pacific Ocean.
Why do we hurt each other?


To not cherish every moment we're living. To not live each breath with the knowledge that it could be our last.
To not apologise soon enough. Forgive even faster. To not love hard enough, to ever hate another.
For letting anger have a part in our relationships. For not telling her how beautiful she looks every morning.

How have I been able to live 22 years without realising this?

There is never a blank book long enough, or time for forever. Later will always be later. Just now just passed. There is only now. And now. And now.

It's always necessary.

Excerpt #1

I thought about my small victories and everything I'd seen destroyed.

I'd lost the only person I could have spent my life with.

I've experienced joy, but not nearly enough, could there be enough? The end of suffering does not justify the suffering, and so there is no end to suffering. What a mess I am, I thought. What a fool. How foolish and narrow, how pinched and pathetic, how helpless.

Currently Reading

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Johnathan Safran Foer.
Two thirds of the book later, I can only scream that this book is amazing. A.MA.ZING. Definitely going to reread the book the moment I finish it.


Paused reading: The Blind Watchmaker by Richard Dawkins and The Grand Design by Stephen Hawking.
Note #1 - Maybe people with last names "-awkin" end up being great science philosopher kinds.
Note #2 - I'll definitely get back to both of these books, just got a little side tracked when a package from Amazon arrived.


Thank you so much Phui Leng. I'm in love with this book.

Currently Reading

The Blind Watchmaker by Richard Dawkins.
Am I going to regret taking on such a tough read when I'm probably gonna be pressed for time in the next few days? Definitely.
Is that going to stop me? Not at all.
Wonder how many years it'd take for me to finish it anyway... Here goes nothing eh.


Finished reading: The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger.
I don't understand why this book is so famous. Maybe if I read it when I was a teenager myself, I'd feel differently. Or maybe if I read it when I'm much older with a different kind of maturity. Right now, the protagonist of this book just appears to be a whiny loser with psychiatric disorders.
Youth in revolt? I guess so.

Currently Reading

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger



Finished reading: Under the Dome by Stephen King
Amazing book from start to finish. Pedal to the metal all the way through. And sum'in sum'in to think about, eh?

Ode to Mae

You Think Trying To Be The Perfect Lover Is Hard? Try Being The Perfect Ex-Lover.

I mean, c’mon, you’d have to maintain that delicate dynamic of being nice, stay a friend, see/treat this person like everybody else. But hell, this person is not everybody else and will never be. Imagine, you’d have to play nice while you knew this person inside out, at the streets, in the sheets, the beauty, the ugly, the love, the kisses, the hugs, the touch and the honeysuckle sweet whisperings, that came so close to your ears, you almost came.

So yes, if you think trying to be the perfect lover is hard, try being an ex-lover.

Hell yeah.

Currently Reading

Under the Dome by Stephen King.

Stopped reading: We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver.

Currently Reading

A Little Book of Language by David Crystal

Live

So much night time traffic. A car comes and drops off one. Leaves, into the night. Another passes, back from the dark. There's a glitter in its windshield, the glare from another's headlights. Off,the third, under the moonlight. Here comes the fourth. My ride :) and I'm off to the cinemas.

Living the university life, most of us having originated not from JB, we find ourselves on our own two feet. Life of hostelites without the restrictions of hostel-life. We come and go as we please. We sleep and wake in whose ever room we choose. We literally eat, pray and love together in this town so far away from our families.

Who would have known that this life, would give me so much stress? Some times, it feels as if I'm floating around. A driftwood in a torrential river, being beaten and pulled along by the currents. Having to juggle school, others and self just overwhelms my being. In dealing with all of them, I am unable to handle a single one of it.

And then there are times when I just feel so grounded. When I look around me and realise if this is where I am right now, then damn I've done good. And it makes me smile from my liver and spleen.
Most often, it is never the achievements or the plans I've made. The books I've read nor the signatures I've accumulated. Most often, it is the faces around me that anchors me to live. I've been over this so many times, over and over again like nagging mother. But honestly, when can you ever stop being grateful for the friends you've had, especially with friends like mine. And if you're able to answer that with a definitive date, then my friend, you ungrateful bastard.

It's 3am and I just got back from the movies. I've been so screwed in my head these past few days. So many hours of back and forth, not knowing which way is coming or going. Those times when you think surely, this must be the end. That somehow some lightning will strike me down and end my misery soon. It's hard to describe how I felt, except with the words miserable.
Then I went to the movies with Pat, and I'm back to reality. I haven't been able to smile this genuinely, with an empty mind, for quite some time now.

We, at least I do... I like to think we are self sufficient. I know I cannot be an island. But sometimes I think hey, maybe I'm at least a peninsula. Then moments like these arrive where I'm able to just sit back, relax and be myself in the company of another. To let go of doubts and fears and accept who I am... Empty your mind in the garden, right? It feels great to be in the midst of like-minded company.
I don't want to be an island anymore. I want to be an archipelago.

:D note to self: immerse yourself.

Memory

It's funny how I totally forgot I had this blog. It took me so long to remember the title of it.
In a way, I was reintroduced to my own blog when I decided to comment on my friend's? Haha. Life and its mysterious ways.

Reading about what I wrote in previous posts, I figured it's not that bad an idea to keep a blog after all. With such a horrible thing called "memory", I guess black and white are the way to go.


If anybody happens to be reading this. Just know that I'm just writing as a reminder to myself of what's going on here and now. Guess some feelings are too precious to let slip away. So if it makes you think why the hell am I even writing something as insignificant as this, then well... It was significant for me :)

Anyways, it's been a year since I've been in JB. My ego-pride tells me I shall hate this city with the very last osteocyte in my bones but honestly, it ain't that horrible after all. Our perception of our environment is heavily influenced by our emotions. And, at least for me, my emotions have been heavily influenced by friends this year. Yes, it's a strange word, isn't it. Friend. I guess one day, I'm gonna have to dictionary up what it actually means. But this year, I seem to have found it in quite a few faces. And I'm the better off for it.

I never really realised how stuck I was prior to this. In my own world. In my own thoughts. My judgmental ways. My life was like a production line, I sit and keep moving forward while 'parts' are added to me. But I'm never really shown what other things I could have been. At least until this year. Exposure is always good. It builds immunity. Reading my previous posts, and also a few other from other blogs, I couldn't help but think I've come a long way.

And in more sense than one. I do feel that I have somehow lost my spark. A glitter, perhaps. My sense of humour worn thin. The mindset I used to hold from way back when seems to have been more lively, gung-ho. Yes it was naive to think I'm invincible, but I do feel that's a better way to live than bearing the thoughts "what might have been". A lack of spontaneity allows fungus to grow on my unchallenged mind. Having observed this, I am currently attempting to salvage what's left. Some times, all the thinking and planning we make for our futures, filled with white pickets fences and insurance plans. What do all that come down to? Life hands you a lemon when you planned for a melon and that's it. There goes everything down the drain. So while it is advisable, and admirable, to have plans, I've come to understand that the inability to let go of it when our path changes just shows a lack of adaptability. Set a goal, start moving towards it and take everything on the way with a sense of poise. And always have a knife ready to cut up some lemons on a hot sunny day.

When I say let go, I don't just mean letting go of the plan. I just mean... Let go. Really. Move on. It's not that scary after all. Especially when you have friends like mine. :)

And this post is dedicated to the people who have played a major hand in my development this year, namely Patrik Ho. Who would have known a kid with half a pea brain could have brought about so much change eh? And of course there are the girls that I've been able to get to know better too, Aliya, Cath, Yvonne, Becca. Then there're the gym buddies, Dan and Johann.

I know you'll never get to read this, but it doesn't matter. I just want to remind the future me that at this moment, I'm filled with gratitude to walk in your company.

Lub-dub

Sometimes, I wonder if my heart is too big for my body to contain.
When I'm lying in the still of the night.
When darkness and silence is all that I am.

I can feel my chest moving.
With every contraction of my heart, it moves.
And my whole body moves along to it.

I hear it in my ears.
I feel it in my finger tips.

My arms and neck pulsates to it.
My abdomen dances with it.
And my whole body moves, a slave under it.

The sound of my own heartbeat overcomes this silence.
And I am reminded that in this darkness,
I am alone.
But within myself, this heart beats.
And it gives me the strength to stand.

Why

The more I read and the more I think, the more I find this life unsubstantial. And the beliefs that we hold, foolish at best.

Why do so many people believe in something as unbelievable as god? Why are people so quick to not question and not argue about the existence of something so omnipotent that it is simply impossible? Why do some people go to the extent of killing others for such an immature belief?

I find it disgusting. The image of lives lost. Dead. Gone. And to what end? So some psychotic schizophrenic and go around preaching about hatred and violence masked as some great attempt to save human beings and instill universal love?

I find it unfair that religion is pressed upon a child when he/she is first born. Isn't it a bit ridiculous that you get to choose what job you'll take, who you'll marry, the friends you'll make, the place you'll live and work in, what hobby you want and to an extent, even what citizenship you want to hold but somehow, you are not allowed to choose the one thing that will probably govern your belief about life and death and the beyond - religion?

Why do we let something that dictates the eradication of people who are not alike - gays, transsexuals, people of other religion, people who challenge the foundations of a certain religion? Why do we let something that systematically belittle roughly half of our population into nothing more than baby carrying containers made to serve, love and dedicate themselves to the existence of her husband roam large and loud? Why do we practise the freedom of choice and human rights in so many things but not in this?

Stellar

The sky is so clear tonight, the stars shine brightly on.
The moon smiles, incomplete in its form but never shy.

The thing is, the stars and the moon has always been there. We've just been too clouded to see its beauty. Only ever once in a while do we bother looking up on a clear day to find our sights blessed by this scene.

Life is alright, after all.

I guess maybe that's why people who meditate are happier. They see pass the curtains of our daily living and see the point in life. Remember to breathe. Remember we exist for ourselves. Remember that the answer is within us.

Maybe people didn't get it when Dr. Arul tried to show this to us during his little prep talk after revision class. I guess what he meant was that the stars were there when he was our age and they're still there right here, right now.

See, only problem is, our hearts and mind aren't. We're not the same kids who grew up back then and we will never be. It's ridiculous to expect us to toil away under the sun just as they did and not know what a computer means just like they did. At the same time, I guess both our generation and theirs ask the same question.
Are the benefits we get really worth the sacrifices we make?

Sure, retrieving and staying connected is now easier. Getting from one place from another is a mere "sit" away. The only thing standing between you and that Gucci handbag is that plastic card.

But look at the other side of the coin too, my child.

Identity theft looms big and bright. And if you don't get it stolen, you get it confused.
Who am I. What am I. Where am I.
Do I define my looks by what the uber-skinny / shaven muscular models look like? Am I only pretty when I conform to their standards?
Am I nothing more than the plastic skin I wear? Do you really see me as just that?

In our achievement of reducing time spend travelling by making things go faster, we pass by the sceneries and the trees on the side of the highways faster too. But then again, faced with the trichromatic, monotonous side views that our highways provide, why would we want to slow down anyway?
What happened to the roses my friend. We trampled them to death when we made highways and bypassed the small towns filled with life and vibrancy and replaced them with time. Time we will not spend enjoying life anyway because now that you're at your destination faster, you need to get moving again.

I think many people think me shallow when I say I can't stand guys who dress a certain way or look a certain way. But then I guess I fall prey to the notion that females are meant to be objectified and made to look pretty.
Ironic, seeing as I consider myself a strong advocate of feminism.

The thing is, I held my view that despite the countless hours and monies the female gender spend trying to please their little hearts by dolling themselves up, I could always count on the men to skip the unnecessaries and stick to the raw deal. Be gone old fools.
Live our lives chasing after not powder nor cloth, but finding the true beauty in a meaningful conversation, a good adventure, a great life lived.

One day, you will grow old, the skin on your face shall wrinkle and you will find hair growing where it should not and find muscle disappearing from where they should be. And when that day comes, tell me friend, does it really matter?

Will you find joy in looking at a photograph and think "Man, I look good."
Or will you find integrity in the picture of you standing high on a mountain that you just conquered on foot, or looking at the deeds you have done in your life.

So when I say I have a problem with guys who dress a certain way, I don't mean I disagree with how they supposedly push the boundaries of fashion but in pure truth are just following the path of those before them. When I say I can't take it, I mean I can't take them all. Maybe this is my folly for not seeing your point of view. And in a certain way, I do get annoyed even when I'm made to wait for a girl make up and get ready when I could spend the time not waiting... So the same goes for both sexes I guess.

The answers to your questions can be found in this world without the need to include the supernatural.
The truth to this life can be found in each others hearts.
The meaning behind our existence lies not outside, but inside.

Stop running away from life. Stop chasing after life.
Start living your life.

I don't know much

What I'm about to say probably won't go down well with people. And for that I'm grateful that mine is a heck of an unpopular blog. I feel like I've been having so much to say but for fear of reproach of the frowns of others I have kept it all in me. Don't judge me for the thoughts that run cuckoo in my head, for the mind is like wild horses that once set loose will not be tamed.

What I have to say is about religion, creation, evolution, and chance.

So if you are one who is sensitive about these issues then for the sake of not despising me, and for the sake of remaining friends, I urge you to stop reading. My mother has always said, religion should be the last thing friends talk about. And I've always believed that religion should be a private affair that should not dictate any part of our lives other than the "religion" compartment. And it is a shame that in most parts of the world, religion is a major driving force for politics. And if you're wondering if I believe this then why am I writing this here? Well, it is MY blog. And like I said, it IS unpopular.

First of all, let's start with what fueled these thoughts in me.

I read a book that said "Science will answer the when and where of life's existence, but only god can answer the why."

Which got me thinking. Why are we here? I did put much thought into this. But then I realised, I'm thankful that science cannot and will never answer this question (hopefully) because the truth is, if science answered it it would be a homogeneous answer. And I refuse to accept that we all exist for the purpose of one. I believe in freedom, and I think it is right for every one of us to pursue our own dreams and set our own goals. Also, for there to be an answer to that question, it suggests an intelligence behind it. Like the tree grows in the direction of the sunlight to receive the optimum amount of it. But, to say there's an answer to the "why" of our existence would mean we were "created", or so to speak.

Now let's delve a little further into the subject of "creation" or as the more versed atheist / evolutionists will call it, "intelligent design". As I have pointed out just now, notice that the word "intelligent" is there to differentiate it against the puny "design". For those of you wondering what the differences are, Darwin believed in design. The first time I heard this I was shocked. The guy who theorised the basis of evolution believes in design? However, after explanation from my dad, I understood what it meant. What he meant was that who we are today is not by chance. Why are there no mono-eyed quadri-handed humans today? I mean at least in the normal population. Because it does not tie in with survival. It disadvantages and at the same time holds no extra advantage that will promote our survival. So it does not happen. And who or what decides that such a creature shall not exist? The designer. And who is this designer? The oh-so-notorious genes. In a way, it makes sense. The selfish gene, remember? It excludes the unwanted and retains the needed. Evolution did not happen by chance. Mutation, the differentiation of one gene sequence to another, THAT happened by chance. But the retention of this mutation which lead to evolution happened by selection. Selection pressure and natural selection, I'm sure we've all learned this in college.

But this explanation begets another question, where did the innocent gene come from? What marks the beginning of DNA?

The easy answer to this would be "intelligent design". An intelligent omnipotent being created the DNA that lead on to life form. However let me state that omnipotence is highly improbable because for arguments' sake, an omnipotent being would be able to create a shield that cannot be pierced, and create a spear that can pierce ANYTHING in the world. So when 2 such things collide, what happens? What happens is that two such things do not exist because omnipotence is a farce. Let's divulge from this topic and consider the two most popular religions on earth - Christianity and Islam. However, living in this country, I will not comment on the latter to safeguard myself and because, in a way, they are brothers in arm so let us just discuss the former. It says god, also known as the intelligent designer in this text, created men in his image and made women from the rib of the men. And let's not forget that the creation of earth and the sun and everything else happened in 7 days. Honestly, if he designed the DNA and let it evolve into a human, then first off he must be lazy for just starting off with the DNA and sitting back to relax. Second, how is creating a DNA in the "image of himself", and what makes you think that MEN evolved first before women. On second thought, maybe this intelligent designer is a DNA, so creating DNA would be in line with both theories. But it said the intelligent designer created men and not DNA. Hmmm, this subject requires further thinking. But let us just be clear that whatever plausible evolution and big bang that happened did not happen in 7 days.

Let's go back to the topic of DNA. Now one must ask, where does the DNA come from. But let's go further back and ask, where does "life" come from? The so-called abiogenesis.

The thing here is, for life as we know it to exist, the first component that must happen is the cell membrane. As we all know, the only "living" organisms without either are viruses but then again, can we even consider them as alive?

So cell membranes... For a wall to encircle something, first there must be something to be encircled, right? So now we have protoplasm. Now one would ask, where does this protoplasm come from? When did the interactions and connections between the organic and inorganic materials start? And where exactly did this "first-formed" entity come from?

Some theorise that this came from meteorites. And may I stress that it is a theory? So there was a big bang and there were solid masses that existed. Then there were "embolus" of these masses and meteorites happened. And we go back to DNA. DNA are nucleic acids that direct the formation of proteins which are amino acids, right? So well, amino acids are mere chemicals that can form or degrade without the need for "life". In chemistry one does not often consider life. However, life is impossible without chemistry. So another question would be, where does the amino acid come from? So this is where meteorites come in. Apparently it carried matters upon it and it arrived and if you ask me further I do not know what to say any more because honestly, I'm not ready to gain a thesis in this field. However, what I can tell you, and hopefully you'll take this message and continue thinking and maybe against all odds one day I'll be able to say "that person who theorised such and such was my classmate". Anyway, what I can tell you is that stromatolites are currently considered to be the earliest forms of living organisms on earth, existing since 3.5 billion years ago. It is said that first, anaerobic bacteria formed, and it cleaved whatever it reacted with and oxygen was formed. And then aerobes appeared. This does tie in well with the theory that photosynthesis existed since 2.4billion years ago, and that stromatolites can photosynthesise. The one bizarre thing we must keep in mind when considering all this is that before the start of life, EVERYTHING was sterile. So whatever happened, happened in a land of sterility with no microbes and so on. By 2.4 billion years ago there were stable isotopes of carbon, iron and so on, making widespread life on earth possible. Not quite 10,000 years ago, I understand, but more science based at least.

Another theory is that "life" came on the meteorites, and not just mere amino acids or chemicals. And by this I don't mean aliens. I know this is starting to sound like scientology but I guess there's a reason that line of thought is gaining popularity... Life arrived on earth and it reacted with the earth and yada yada yada. But so where did this life come from? Haha. Maybe that's why intelligent design attracts people. It requires so little thinking. It is as if everything has already been written for us and all we have to do is read and accept and have faith.

I just relised I've gone a long way to not answer anything at all. But I think this is my way of mourning the fact that our schools and our government is too ignorant to teach and advocate such scientific lines of thought. I guess this is where the "religion should stay religious only" line of thinking comes in. I mean even if we're considering intelligent design, one should always question where the intelligence came from. The truth is I am open to the possibility of this designer, however I need the proof for this. And no I do not consider the "because it cannot be disproved hence it must be true" theory a legitimate one. Just because you cannot disprove that I am the amazing manisfestation of god that appeared in my mother's womb to spread the message of love does not mean that it is true. I am open to the subject of belief, however faith is not my field. And as we all know, faith is blind. And when a blind man leads the blind, the case of the blinds feeling up an elephant ensues.

So people, go forth now and think about life. Buddha once said that the origin of life is too far gone to be seen by men. And in a way it is true. 3.5 billion years is a heck of a long time. Even if we were able to create life from the sterile labs, it does not mean that that's how it happened, it merely means that such a method of creation is possible. However, that does not mean that we cannot theorise.

Ponder Upon The Pond

A lot of bands led by singers who say the same things and say a lot of things and say pretty much nothing at all. It was sad to watch them miss the chance. The opportunity. Miss the moment to say real things, to invite people to think or feel or ask a question or believe.

Maybe this applies to all of us.
It has been said that all the world's a stage. We all have an audience. We all have some kind of influence. We all have a story and a voice. Our lives are our songs. Our hearts are our songs. It's OK to ask real questions. It's OK to say real things.

Let's make things that matter and move.
Let's chase after those things as well.

If Only....